


тenths σf seconds ωithout үou

by Laeana



Series: ⑩ ωαүs тσ ∂ιε [1]
Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Character Study, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Loneliness, M/M, Sorry Not Sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-22
Updated: 2020-09-22
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:13:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26594251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laeana/pseuds/Laeana
Summary: Max wants to die.And he knows he maybe has no valid reason to want it.
Relationships: Daniel Ricciardo/Max Verstappen
Series: ⑩ ωαүs тσ ∂ιε [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1934587
Comments: 2
Kudos: 13





	тenths σf seconds ωithout үou

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [ωe ωere тwo, тhen үou ιeft](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22836769) by [Laeana](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laeana/pseuds/Laeana). 



> every story has a start, every story has a beginning. Death in itself is an end. But it also may be the « once upon a time » of some tales. Well, « tales », no one will be trapped by such a name.
> 
> They can’t escape to it, they can’t think about it. Captive hearts, fates too cruel. dying is a fatality, some do it sooner, too soon, some want to stop the pain.

ᴅᴀᴅᴅʏ ɪssᴜᴇs

* * *

**⑩**

Max wants to die.

It's pretty uncertain, it's pretty silly. A discomfort rooted in the depths of his soul, he does not even know why. Or maybe he does.

The problem is, he has nothing to be completely unhappy with. He has a fairly large group of friends, he is successful in his studies, he even has a boyfriend.

He even has Daniel.

He loves him from the bottom of his heart but he never managed to explain to him correctly what this discomfort was, this pain deep inside him.

It is a constant lag to be here without ever being; his entourage talks and laughs and he dreams of being elsewhere.

But elsewhere does not even exist. Elsewhere is right here and nowhere, because he knows he could never find better than this place.

Place he calls home despite everything.

And he doesn't want to think about it, he doesn't want to think of his family, doesn't want to think of all those he might disappoint, it hurts him too much.

He wants to disappear.

* * *

**⑨**

It certainly comes first of all from his father.

A difficult, humiliating childhood. A childhood spent standing upright properly, not forgetting anything he had been taught otherwise he could be punished.

What kind of void could this cause in someone? He doesn't know but when at thirteen his mother took them, him and his sister, and finally decided to leave, just after he was almost whipped to blood by his father, he was finally free to live.

If not that the shadow of this parent has always flown above him. Gestures, habits that have had a hard time.

He knows he felt jealousy seeing Daniel in a perfect relationship with his father. It's bad, he immediately felt bad but he couldn't even help it.

Discomfort, discomfort rooted in his soul.

Homophobia which tells him that it is wrong, so wrong to love men, to be with a man, to be happy that way. Against nature, right ?

He suffers in silence from these words which devour him and which know how to destroy him, step by step, thought after thought. Idea after idea.

He gets eaten alive.

* * *

**⑧**

Little by little he got the idea of getting rid of this suffering, of leaving. To leave ... what an understatement.To die.

Well, in the first place, it was never death.

He just flirted, quite consciously, with danger. In many ways, it was quite easy when you are of age.

So many ways to get beaten up, hurt yourself, awkwardly, inadvertently. Everything has always been so easy for him, although it was a problem to justify the clever, self-confident Max becoming so incompetent and upside down.

He didn't want to draw attention to himself. He didn't want his loved ones to worry.

He had no real excuses to justify this and it was still his biggest worry. Fatigue, lack of attention ... are ultimately not always valid.

His body is weak, so is his mind.

He changed. He stopped wanting to fight against the flow of life. He lost his glow, he stopped hoping.

  


* * *

**⑦**

So he got to that point.

The point where getting hurt every now and then seems to be enough to stop these mental hurts in their too late stage.

Daniel knows his body too well for it not to be left with simple marks caused in the fire of everyday life.

He's been sleeping poorly lately.

Nightmares and insomnia mingle to give his unhappiness another more ironic form. His daily life is strangely changing.

There are glances in the corridors, curious looks. His latest game seems to be about what he eats.

Self-destruction.

****

* * *

**⑥**

His meeting with Daniel was like a dream.

Too beautiful. They passed each other in the halls of the university, in the first days of their first year.

He was quite homey, only with those he knew while the Australian was a crowd magnet, always perfectly at ease.

He never believed he deserved his attention.

They had a date, then two, then Dan told him he had fallen in love with him. When he thought it was one-sided love. He has never been happier than on this day, when everything seemed to smile on him.

He still doesn't think he deserves his attention.

* * *

**⑤**

The truth is, Daniel had his ups and downs too. The difficulty of everyday life, the apparent loneliness.

They were there for each other, comforting each other when it all went wrong.

They stayed at the same height. During his exams, his boyfriend was there behind him, every step he took, even during his panic attacks.

During the Australian's exams, he took care of making sure that the latter ate properly, went to bed at the right time, watched over him.

They were a fireworks display of various emotions and did not stop loving each other, each day making them crazier for each other.

* * *

**④**

The problem with such passion is that it often turns out badly. It is because love is so close to hate.

He remembers the blue marks on his wrists after they made love, he remembers the livid look offered on the threshold of the door.

He remembers whispered words, more words, so many words, bringing an implacable, unbearable, violent truth. A truth that Daniel left him with a kiss on his cheek like a goodbye.

_ But why aren't you here? Where are you ? _

* * *

**③**

He wasn't even the one who came up with the idea and maybe that's the most laughable thing about it all.

Clever kids, stalkers, insults that he still received from time to time which no longer had any effect, but this sentence hit him hard. A punch to his cheek, a phrase to his lips.

_ Why don't you just die ?! _

* * *

**②**

He settles down in his tub, which is almost filled to the brim, closing his eyelids tired from the daylight. He will live in his dream, his hand on his heart, his heart too heavy.

Who could see this brilliant glow, perhaps too close to this pallor, which could stain everything red ? Who could see this sadness in the back of his eyes, barely a word whispered out of his mouth, an apology ?

* * *

**①**

—  **But why aren't you here? Where are you ?**

**Author's Note:**

> You understood it probably, we’re not on something happy at all. It’s the reverse in its integrity. I just had this idea and i need to know what you think about it. Angst present at every levels ...
> 
> Same themes, I had this sudden will of translating this serie which is way much shorter than the others, hope you liked this part!


End file.
